Snape's Cosplaying Adventure
by Sivol
Summary: Lucius talks Snape into coming to a muggle convention of some silly sort that requires them to dress in costumes, and Snape has a horrid time. HP characters cosplaying as CM characters. BRAIN CRACK!


_**Warning: **_This fic is pure brain-crack and Lucius is OOC in a major way.

"I don't know how I allowed myself to be talked into this." Snape said, glaring at his reflection in the giggling magical mirror.

"Aww Sevvy dear, don't be so hard on yourself." Lucius purred, giving the man a once over.

"For the last time, do not call me 'dear'! I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever _be _your 'dear'." Severus snapped. "And don't call me 'Sevvy'!"

"Whatever you say... Sevvie."

"Were you not listening?"

Lucius grinned. "I was, that's why I changed the 'y' to an 'ie'."

"You little-"

"Hush now, if you get too angry you'll mess up your costume." Lucius admonished.

"I still say you would be better suited for this role." Severus stated, ignoring the blond fiend. He glanced down at his messenger bag and sighed. It wasn't that he didn't like messenger bags, they were good to have, it was just this one was decorated so...

"But you have to admit, the suit looks good on me, no?" Lucius asked, nudging the man out of the way and making several 'sexy' poses in front of the mirror. And by 'sexy' I mean not nearly as appealing as he thought they were. "By the way, we're going to dye your hair brown."

Severus bristled at this. "Like hell you are!"

"But look at it, it's the perfect length, now that we've spent some good money at one of those muggle barber shops it's the perfect texture, all it's missing is the color." Lucius said with a pout.

Severus' eye twitched in annoyance. "It is bad enough already now that you've gone and made it all frou-frou, not to mention this outlandishly appalling footwear with these far too short pants, I will not have you embarrassing me further with changing the color of my hair! And why in Merlin's name must I wear these non-matching socks to begin with?"

"Because it's canon. Spencer Reid does not wear socks that match, it's bad luck." Lucius supplied.

Severus shook his head, glancing down at the socks. One was a garish _Gryffindor red_ with white anchors on it, and the other was a nauseating _Hufflepuff yellow _with... with little anime bumblebees on them – whatever anime was. It looked far too cutesy for his tastes. "Based on what you've informed me of the show, which by the way is more than I ever wanted to know to begin with, I should be playing this 'Hotch' character instead of you. _You _should be the one dressed as the naïve young subordinate who doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut."

Lucius stomped his foot on the ground. "For the last time, Reid knows when to keep his mouth shut in serious situations, he's just so full of information that he likes to share it with people! And we're still dying your hair."

"Like hell you are. You're lucky enough that I've even agreed to come to this little 'convention' of yours, you're not coming within 30 feet of me with anything that will color my hair!" Severus shouted.

Lucius grinned. "Admit it, you would have came even without the Dark Lord's insistence. You just like to see me happy."

"Bullshit." Severus said, crossing his arms and looking very un-Spencer-ish.

Now you may be wondering, 'Why would the Dark Lord insist upon Severus going with Lucius to some silly muggle convention dressed as characters from a muggle crime drama when the Dark Lord hates muggles so much?'. Truth be told, the Dark Lord had no idea where Lucius wanted Severus to go, he was simply fed up with the annoying blond's whining that he didn't have a partner for something and ordered Severus to go with Lucius for the evening to shut him up.

"Should I bring my cane?" Lucius asked rhetorically. "Perhaps I should give it to Draco and he could cosplay as Ciel at the next anime convention with you playing Sebastian..." He mused.

Snape wasn't sure who 'Ciel' or 'Sebastian' were, nor did he want to know. "Does Mr. Hotch carry a cane?"

"No." Lucius replied.

"Then don't bring it." Severus answered simply.

"But it conceals my wand, which I might need if something happens."

Severus gritted his teeth. "If you were going to use magic for the night, then why do you insist on coloring my hair in such an archaic way when you could simply use a glamour?"

"Because we're going to a muggle event so we need to do it the proper muggle way." Lucius said as if it should have been obvious. "Here, you need to get into character, so we're going to watch a few episode that are Reid-centric so you'll know how to act."

-x-

"I should be Hotch." Severus stated after watching the sixth episode in a row. "Reid is far too bookish for me, and I don't go around spouting random statistics."

"But Sevvie, you don't have the body to be Hotch, he's more muscular and you've got a nice thin frame suited for Reid." Lucius countered.

"Have you looked in the mirror lately? You don't exactly scream 'muscular' yourself." Severus replied.

"But that cardigan looks good on you." Lucius said with a gleam in his eye and a pinch to the man's bum.

Severus smacked Lucius' hand away. "Stop doing that! Why are you even going as Hotch? If you want to go by body types, you should stick some balloons in your shirt and go as JJ."

"Cissy's going as JJ." Lucius replied.

"Cis... Narcissa is going to this inane thing with you? Why did you want _me _to come then, you already have someone!" Severus raged. Really, this man was becoming more annoying by the minute.

"Because JJ and Hotch don't make a good couple, JJ is already married to Will, and Hotch has lost his adoring wife, so he and Reid are free to be a couple together." Lucius had the audacity to wink at Severus.

Severus' eye twitched again. Really, that was going to become a permanent nervous tick before the night was over with. "I saw nothing to even remotely suggest that Hotch and Reid would be anything more than partners within their job and acquaintances in their personal lives."

Lucius looked stricken. "Didn't you see the way Hotch and Reid hugged after poor Reid was kidnapped and drugged and nearly killed? The special communication they had when Reid knew that Hotch would understand his deeper meaning behind that comment with the quote from that muggle book – what was it called 'the Bibbley'?"

"For the love of- that hug was one of gratefulness that his subordinate didn't DIE while under his watch and the 'special communication' was referencing an argument they had! Hotch said so himself!" Severus stated. He was growing more irritated by the minute.

Lucius ignored the man. "Say something smart for me _Spence_." He teased.

Severus growled. "98% of your brain has melted thanks to these muggle television shows."

Lucius just rolled his eyes. "Come on now, it's almost 6, we need to get going or we'll be late."

-x-

"Do I have to pretend to love you while we're here?" Narcissa asked her husband as the trio was was walking down one of the many aisles of booths with silly muggle items for sell.

"No dear, there is no-one of importance here." Lucius replied with a pat on her hand.

"Oh thank goodness." She said, semi-relieved. "I'll just be going to see if I can find a group who needs a JJ for a photoshoot. I know how people don't usually come to these things as JJ." Narcissa walked off towards the lobby.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Just how many of these things have you attended?" He asked, clutching his messenger bag to his side trying his hardest not to be noticed.

"This will be my eighteenth." Lucius said proudly.

Severus dropped his head letting his hair fall in his face. Ugh, it smelled like flowers; he missed the sweet smell of his potions. He glanced up for a moment and his eyes widened. He quickly made his way to the restroom with Lucius trailing behind.

"Sevvie, what's wrong?" Lucius asked.

"Shut up! Do not call me that you imbecile, there are students here!" Severus snapped.

"Well of course there are, teenagers are more likely to come to these events than adults and-"

"Students from Hogwarts you idiot!" Severus barked.

"Really?" Lucius asked inquisitively. "Which ones?" He went to the door and opened it slightly to peek out.

Severus peeked over his shoulder, saw the same student he saw earlier, and panicked, pulling Lucius back into the bathroom and into a stall. Oh Merlin, he was heading straight for the bathrooms! "None of your concern." He said, locking the stall.

Lucius took in the situation and grinned. "Oh Severus, I didn't know you wanted to do something like that _here_." He purred, running his hand down Snape's side.

As the main door opened, Snape smacked Lucius' hand away. "Do not touch me you filthy prat!" He hissed.

A young male voice caused both men to immediately still. "Uh, h-hello?" It asked, noticing the two pairs of feet beneath one of the stall doors. "I didn't interrupt you two, did I? I-I can come back later."

_Nosy brat, too curious for his own good. _Severus thought.

Lucius' eyes widened and he grinned with glee. _It's the Potter brat! _

Severus saw the look in Lucius' eyes and immediately regretted ever coming here to begin with. If he didn't do something, and quick, Lucius would use the element of surprise to attack Potter, and Severus would be left with no choice but to blow his cover and save the boy, else Albus would have his hide. He had to do something and quick!

Lucius reached into his robe and pulled out his spare wand – the one he'd decided to bring instead of his cane – and moved around to grasp the door handle.

Severus did the only thing he could think of that would stop the blond without having him demand an answer or blow his cover. "Yes you did, now leave!" He bellowed in his best Spencer Reid voice, then grabbed Lucius by the waist, turned him around, and kissed him.

Lucius all but melted into the kiss and pressed his body up against Snape, moaning the whole way. The Potter brat eep'd and went out of the room quickly, and when Snape heard the sound of the door shutting, he pushed Lucius away from himself, opening the stall to go to the sinks, and tried not to gag.

Oh dear Merlin! He'd kissed a guy. Severus made a dry heaving sound. Not just any guy, but Lucius Bloody Malfoy! He coughed, bringing his fist to his chest in an attempt at keeping himself from doing something worse.

"Hey! You can't just confuse me like that!" Lucius protested, running up to Snape. "That was one hell of a kiss, let's do it again." He said with a delicious smirk, forgetting all about Potter's very existence.

Severus dropped his head and braced his body on the sinks. "Let's not." He snarled. Bloody fucking Gryffindors always coming in and mucking things up, making Snape do things he never wanted to do in the first place.

"Aww come on Sevvie, you look so sexy dressed as Reid, and now that I know you like me-"

Severus' eyes grew wide. Having Lucius think he _liked _him in that way was... "OBLIVIATE!"

-x-

"Hey Severus?" Lucius said the next morning at his Manor. For some reason, Snape had stayed the night, saying it had something to do with potions research in one of his libraries. "I've just had a wonderful idea! Let's go to a convention cosplaying as Hotch and Reid. You can be Reid!"

_**A/N: **_Thanks to SpencerReid for the idea and for beta-ing to keep Snape in character. Yaaaay.


End file.
